Let me start by saying i have only one phobia in life, but out of everything it is the most difficult, crippling, ironic phobia for someone with dysautonomia to have: i HATE foreign things in my body. This could mean something physical, like a needle, or a subtance, like medicine. Two years ago i didn't even take Advil. i'm the person who worries about what sorts of dye are used to colour pills, what the junk is that they're coated in, what makes them hold together... (Sidewalk chalk? Horse spit? The world may never know.) You may think this is no big deal, but it's really a true phobia: i know it's not rational, and i've had very little progress controlling my reactions, which include sleeplessness, throwing up, shaking, fainting, migraines, looking like the biggest pansy in the world...
i think i've been really good about trying to change my ways. Yes, i may waffle for days about starting a new medication because i'm so scared, and i may stare down the prescription bottle for half an hour in the mornings sometimes as my partner walks by every 10 minutes to tell me to "just take the damn thing, already" -- but those are still successes. And i realise it's in my head and that my phobia makes their job harder, but it's not like i'm trying to be difficult. (The irony of this is that anxiety is treated via medication. Hahaha, joke's on me.)
So today i had a full brain series done with a gadolineum contrast injection, and on the whole it went well. i was very very nervous about the injection, and it took a while for my teeth to stop chattering (we couldn't start the MRIs til i stopped shaking...) but it only took 3 sticks, and i didn't react to it, so hooray for small miracles. Annnnd hubby bought me egg rolls and a coconut smoothie (salt and my favourite cure-all!) And if it does show a reason for my increased dizzyness beyond what POTS normally throws at me, hopefully it won't be something horribly serious...
i just think it's so funny how both my dr and the MRI people were so worried about me being claustrophobic. And as nervous as i get about the other stuff, they just don't seem to understand that it's the same thing, just not about little spaces. Like they promise they'll use a tiny needle... and i have to explain it's not the pain, that doesn't bother me. It's physically having something in my arm. And they explain what the contrast does, etc... that's all well and good, but my body doesn't make it on its own; it is by definition a foreign substance.
...And that freaks me out on a mighty level, i just can't help it. Hopefully after this endocrinology appt at the end of the month, we will know enough to stop putting me through hell every other week for a new test.
::edit:: Holy brain fog, Batman. Typo city. If i missed any corrections, just blame it on my typing monkey. He will be duly spanked.
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